I read a lot of books, but often, reading books on your own can be lonely. I want to create a place where I can share my experience throughout the journey of reading a book! Here I will share the basic information about the book, some of the stuff you might want to know before picking it up, and some of my thoughts along the journey! I hope that this inspires you to pick up the book and go on the journey with me! :) & I hope that this is more than just a summary or a review. So , if you've read the book, comment below! Share your Journey!
When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life.
Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend
Length: 3 parts, 16 chapters, around 300 pages.
Book Description: "Having clear boundaries is essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle. A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not. Boundaries impact all areas of our lives: Physical boundaries help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances -- Mental boundaries give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions -- Emotional boundaries help us to deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others -- Spiritual boundaries help us to distinguish God's will from our own and give us renewed awe for our Creator -- Often, Christians focus so much on being loving and unselfish that they forget their own limits and limitations. When confronted with their lack of boundaries, they ask: - Can I set limits and still be a loving person? - What are legitimate boundaries? - What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries? - How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money? - Aren't boundaries selfish? - Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries? Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend offer biblically-based answers to these and other tough questions, showing us how to set healthy boundaries with our parents, spouses, children, friends, co-workers, and even ourselves."
Task Difficulty: Asks you introspective questions as you go along which aren't a lot of work but aren't so easy if you're not looking to dive deep into your psyche.
Why I chose the book: I struggle with boundaries. I'm one of those people that always FEELS like everything I do is rude or mean. So saying no feels wrong. Saying yes feels wrong. Not doing what i'm supposed to do is definitely wrong. Doing what I do can also be wrong. I struggle with relationships because I just let people say what they want, there are very few people that I actively stand up to and my experience hasn't been that they like it. So my sister in law told me to read this book and I put it off for a bit because, well...probably because I might learn from it and have no excuses but to try and change this issue. I'm hoping it works!
What I learned, My opinion:, My insights, etc:
Chapter 1: Omg, I resonate with all of this! What I look for in every first chapter of a book is whether or not the book will be helpful or not. I really like so far that this book has a biblical background because a lot of the time when I am looking for help with interpersonal communication I get a lot of advice that doesn't feel right and so this just gives me an added level of confidence since the book uses biblical and psychology topics. I also don't like feeling judged when i'm looking for help and sometimes books really make you feel like crap before you can get better and if i start to feel bad, I start not wanting to get better and I don't feel that from this book.
Chapter 2: Chp 2 gave a list of boundary types and what's within those boundaries. I don't think I've thought about this that much. Like I recognize what I struggle with when it comes to boundaries. I know I have a hard time speaking up for myself and saying no or just straight saying what I want. This gave me some insight into where those issues fall and why some techniques I have learned don't work or feel right in all instances. I did sort of feel like I suck at setting boundaries. Like I know that I have gotten way better at it in the last few years but I can definitely see how many issues this problem has caused for me and how not acting on changing it will continue to hurt and affect my life negatively.
Chapter 3:I liked that this chapter gave me the different "kinds" of boundary breaker a person can be. I fit into several of those categories and with a few of them, I was surprised, that they are considered a boundary issue. Like I don't often think of controlling people as having their own boundary issues, I tend to think of them as the people that have too many boundaries. I still feel like I have a long way to go!!
Chapter 4: I really liked this section because it goes into some of the psychology topics concerning child development that I learned in school and like I said above it also presents the biblical side of it. I know a lot of christian people who definitely do NOT use any of this in their child rearing and I'm often scared about how to raise my future kids right. This was a much tougher chapter to get through because it brought up a lot of bad memories. So if you're reading this and you had a difficult childhood consider this a trigger warning.
Chapter 5: This chapter talks about the 10 Laws of Boundaries. The author likened the laws to the laws of physics and made the analogy that if we were aliens coming to this planet for the first time and we previously did not have the same laws of physics in our past planet, we wouldn't understand how and why this planet works the way it does, same goes with those of us who didn't learn healthy boundaries in our childhood and had to enter the world and discover them. This makes a lot of sense, especially reading through them, there were a lot of things that I was never taught and I never saw. How are we supposed to do things we don't know we are supposed to do, right? I have put some of these lessons into play in my life and I am seeing some results. I am totally the kind of person that just does things if others don't do them. The feeling is that, if it needs to get done, it needs to get done, so I do it. The problem is that I am always the one doing it and no one helps. So, I'm testing this out and seeing if things will change permanently. I'm allowing physics to take over.
Chapter 6: So this chapter gave the 8 Myths about boundaries which is different than the lists of laws or types of boundaries. Instead of listing them out and taking the fun out of reading the book, I will list the top takeaways from each one.
1. Self-care is not a luxury, it's our job and she shouldn't see it as being selfish but rather, as being good stewards.
2. "an internal no nullifies an external yes". this quote hit hard because I am so bad at saying no but it made the point that I am just saying yes because I feel like that's what I am supposed to do... I am not saying yes because I want to. It's what is in our hearts that matters.
3. Setting boundaries can be a test for relationships. By setting boundaries I get to see who cares for the real me and not the ROCIO that they see and that follows their rules. I've recently had this experience. I shared my opinions and some people didn't react as politely as they usually did, but that just showed me that these people don't care about me and what I have to say, they care that I follow them and their views only.
4. "we all need more than GOd and a best friend". Basically, we can't stick just one person with all of our problems, we need to have a support system so that when one person can't help, we don't violate their boundaries, and we don't feel like we have been left behind.
5. Anger is normal. I can totally see the reality of anger being expressed as we have learned to set boundaries. I remember when I first got my work visa and I could get a good job and my current co-workers told me that I had changed. Looking back, I did change, I didn't allow the usual abuses. I was no longer ok with being treated like crap and if that meant that I was different, oh well. I was angry but I had to learn how to channel that anger to work for me and not against me.
6. We have to respect other people's boundaries too. We can't be dependent on others and we can't let their boundaries feel like personal injuries.
7. We have to set boundaries with everyone, not just those that it's easy with. I have a hard time with this one.
8. Boundaries don't have to be permanent. We are allowed to change our minds and change the boundaries with time.
Chapter 7: I literally took pictures of the first 5 pages and shared them on my personal facebook because I wanted others to see what it said. This section deals with how we relate to family members and in every example I eiether saw myself or someone i closely relate to often. This means to me that a lack of boundaries is very rampant. I already knew that beacuse if it wasn't the case, chances are that I wouldn't have as many boundary issues myself. So this section gave me a new thing to think about. I can't look at just MY issues, I have to pay attention to the people around me and how theirs has affected me. The patterns your family falls into can be at the root of the issues you deal with. This seems obvious but I don't think everyone would see it this way. Often when I talk to people who come from dysfunctional families ( mine included) it is easy to see where our parents are "going wrong". It is easy to say that things were bad because the dad drank a lot but we wouldn't see that drinking problem as something that affects us directly as adults if we ourselves are not alcoholics. It's easy to look at our family and say that that is their problem. When we stop and think about how their problems are still OUR problems and how they are still affecting us, we can start to see beyond the problem of "drinking" and into the boundary issues that led them to this habit and you into yours. Memorable quote -> "People who own their lives do not feel guilty when they make choices" -> I felt that!
Chapter 8: This chapter deals with friendships. It explained several types of friendship boundary issues and the importance of having actual friendships rather than just family and romantic relationships. I definitely feel like I need to strengthen my friendships. This chapter just gave me stuff to think about and to analyze.
Chapter 9: I had to share this section with family again because I found so much of it to matter! I don't think enough people teach about how people are supposed to come together when they get married and how to go about establishing healthy boundaries. I know Tony and I had to work on this on our own and many questions have been brought up over the years. I'm glad to see that most of these issues we did end up working out as the book suggests. This is one area where I feel confident in how we've set these limits but at the same time, it did take a lot of work and so having it stated in a clear go-to chapter would have been nice to have at the moment!
Chapter 10: This was a long chapter!!! So maybe it would have been a good idea to split it. The first half deals with why it's important to set boundaries with children and the second part dealt with how and at the right ages. I had to stop and note things several times! There was so much information that is still important in my life. It is no secret that I didn't have these boundaries taught to me as a kid! So it helps to see where I was raised differently and what I will probably deal with as I have kids and have to teach them. I still have learning to do myself and so it's always good to see why that is and how I can change it.
Chapter 11: This chapter was all about boundaries in work. I got to read it outloud to my husband and mother-in-law. The topics repeat the same things we've been taught before but with the context of issues at work like doing too much work or expecting too much from your work. I feel like a lot was pretty simple. I definitely think this chapter would be helpful for anyone dealing with bad bosses or co-workers!
Chapter 12: ***At the time of reading this chapter I had a big family crisis and wasn't able to upload my journey frequently, please watch the video below to see my thoughts of these parts!
Chapter 16: *** At the time of updating this post, i broke my wrist and couldn't type well! So please watch the video that goes over these chapters and a full review of the book!
My opinion: Watch the video below!...comment yours below! Stay in touch and updated on my latest reading journeys! I will keep updating them as I read the books. Stay updated by following me on Social Media :) and Subscribing to my email list!