About a year ago I made the decision to go to therapy, it wasn’t my first time, but this time was different. I made sure it would be.
The first time around, I had no idea what I was dealing with. I knew I had huge moments of panic where I couldn’t breathe or think. I knew I couldn’t get out of bed. I knew I wasn’t happy. The first time around was all about learning to manage. I talked about my life and the causes of my pain. I learned to forgive. I felt cured. I decided to stop going.
Skip ahead a few months and I was back at step one. I fought myself for a few more months before deciding to go back. This time I took control.
I made every list possible. What I no longer wanted and what I did… I read books and researched. I bought this journal to jot down my process like I had before and made a list on the first page. I saw in my head the pieces of my life I had previously enjoyed and the things I knew would make me happy. I set this as the standard.
I had read that some people live with depression their whole lives and I resigned to the fact that I may never be perfect. These were the things I needed in order to be okay with it.
Therapy was great. Again I learned a lot. I found new names for what I was experiencing. I learned new ways to manage. I felt heard and I felt like I could do it this time. Unfortunately, I had to switch insurances and when I was finally covered again, I decided not to go back.
This time was different. I understood that I wasn’t done. I wasn’t cured. I can’t say that I am cured today. But I decided to work on myself. I kept reading. I found a business that focuses on personal development. I didn’t give up. I still haven’t.
I went to church tonight for group. The group is called Strong Living and it focuses on all aspects of health; mind, body, and spirit. I chose this notebook to take notes in. I came home after and started cooking, and I was about to share my notes from group when I read the first page again.
I then realized that so far this year I have :
Sang(&danced) in the shower (&the bedroom&kitchen)
worked out (almost regularly) and walked on other days.
cooked up a bunch of new recipes!(which I’ll share soon!)
drawn and colored and painted.
Listened to music (¬ just in the car!)
read for fun! (although Ethan Frome was pretty depressing)
gone out with friends and family!
gone to church and groups at church!
Read the Bible and other devotionals! (and somehow all the personal development books I’ve picked up have been faith based)
started to care for myself again(my nails are pretty!)
found a way to meditate and worship at the same time
gone out with just Tony and had fun.
I remember having a panic attack when one of my books told me it would take 4 months to work on my OCD. I remember feeling like I would never feel normal again. I remember having an unrealistic expectation of what live should feel like. I know I am not cured. But I am okay. Okay, is understanding that sadness will come but it will also leave. That feelings of hopelessness are not real. That wanting to die, is a lie.
Today, I know that I’ll be okay. I know to expect bad days and to enjoy the good ones. I know that life is a journey and if I’m hoping for eternity, I better start enjoying the ride.